I wrote this paper for my Ph.D. studies at Saybrook University in Existential Humanistic Psychology. This post is very long (7.5k words) but I hope you all enjoy it. Read it by headings. Small pieces at a time. A lot to get through on such an important, potentially turbulent, and so very life enriching topic. I’d like to thank all my clients and my mentor/supervisor Lane Gerber. We’ve weathered this together and it’s helped bring a bit more depth to our lives. It was worth it. Amidst this Coronavirus / COVID-19 we helped each other in ways we may never know.
Phenomenological Sketch of Loneliness
Introduction
I have met with so many people over the years who carry with themselves an immense feeling of loneliness. It has been an experience that I've felt myself for the majority of my life from time to time. Loneliness is, of course, an immense existential theme—meaning that it's a part of the human experience of life. In 2018, Cigna (2018) published a research survey of 20,000 Americans that revealed some enlightening results stating “epidemic” levels of loneliness. The study revealed that
nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone or left out. One in four Americans rarely or never feel as though there are people who really understand them. Two in five Americans sometimes or always feel that their relationships are not meaningful and that they are isolated from others. One in five people report they rarely or never feel close to people or feel like there are people they can talk to. (p. 1)
These are just a few examples. This led the researchers to believe that it wasn’t just a societal problem that’s making us sad, but that it is literally making us sick. Prior to this research study was even conducted, the physical ramifications had been documented and well referenced in Dahlberg (2007) and Cacioppo and Walker (2009).
As I write this today, as a country and world we are going through the global pandemic of COVID-19 or Cornavirus. This has moved us as a country not just to look at the medical impact of COVID-19 but also its psychological impact of physical social isolation. I have found this to be true with my own clients in Seattle, Washington, already said to be one of the loneliest cities in North America. My clients have expressed increased feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Loneliness as a topic of interest did not come about until the dawn of the modern age around the 1700s. Although loneliness has been present in fiction long before its presence in research as a part of the human experience, it wasn’t until the last century that it became a topic of research. Van den Berg (1972) put loneliness at the core of all psychopathology. Fromm-Reichman (1959) believed that loneliness was of vital importance and that there was a large gap in psychological research on the understanding of the phenomena. Since then, research on loneliness is most often looked at from a cause or consequences point of view, as opposed to the experience itself.
Among the fields of psychology, phenomenology values and has the central concern of looking at and describing the human experience as it is and presents itself in life. Loneliness isn't a straight forward experience. Like a diamond, loneliness has many faces, aspects, nuances and it shows up in so many ways. From this perspective, loneliness is a profoundly humane experience. As my research will show, loneliness is something that is intimately connects us as people, but of itself with no inner ground or connection it can be a harrowing experience. There is something immensely therapeutic about reading such detailed descriptions of experience. The familiar saying “know it like the back of your hand” can be comforting and warm when we read accounts of something that is so personal to us as individuals that we may have not had words to before. In order to treat or know how to be with a experience, to aid the individual who’s having this essential aspect of life, we must first know it intimately and create a vivid and detailed description of it. What follows are the major pieces of phenomenological research that contribute to the construction of a sketch to begin to understanding the multifaceted and multilevel phenomenon of loneliness.
Clark Moustakas - The Essence of Loneliness
Although overlooked for his contribution to the founding of existential-humanistic psychology, Clark Moustakas was the host of the first meeting of humanistic psychologists organized to collaborate on theory and practice in humanistic psychology. Moustakas is most known for his books Loneliness (1961) and Loneliness and Love (1972), where he wrote at length about an experience of supporting his daughter in the hospital, which then thrust him into his own experience of loneliness in the hospital as a child. It is from this experience that his heuristic inquiry research method emerged. Moustakas (1961, 1972) described various forms of loneliness: (a) being alone, (b) lonely, (c) loneliness anxiety, and (d) existential loneliness.
Being Alone Versus Lonely
Being alone and being lonely are two markedly different experiences. Moustakas (1972) defined being alone as merely an objective reality of being without other individuals. It can refer to the physical fact of being alone or the psychological. One can be in a room with others and feel alone. Moustakas stated that there is no way of knowing what the substance of being alone means. The individual alone with themselves or others in a space may be enjoying the aesthetic of the space, processing a moment from their day, occupied with making their dinner, or wrestling over an issue with their partner. It could be an infinite number of experiences. One can be completely alone and not feel lonely at all. The difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely is depended on the content of the individual's experience at that moment.
For Moustakas, being alone refers to a state of being. A state of being that is necessary to life. It is a time to process experiences, consider one's life, let ideas, images, or artistic and intellectual pursuits germinate and come into greater fruition, and to think about ways forward that are in congruence with my Self. Moustakas (1972) made this important point about aloneness, “In being alone I can keep in touch with my own thinking and know more surely that my thoughts are coming from me and not from someone else" (p. 19). This is a particularly important point as we talk about loneliness anxiety. Being alone puts us in touch with our inner Self or voice that assures that our decisions will be from a place of inner consent: a sense that this is what I choose and not some outside force or value thats pushing me. Being alone is a valuable, warm, intimate, or tranquil time. It is very much what Moustakas called a bridging time where the past and/or the future are able to come together in the germination. It is not the intense, empty, harrowing, enwrapping feeling of being lonely where we feel separated from our Self and are longing for others (Moustakas, 1972).
Being lonely is an equally important and inevitable experience in life. It is a time of entering into the mystery and adventure of one’s life; it is a searching and unknownness about life. In a sense, it is the truest adventure we have available to us: ourselves. It is both a haunting and beautiful experience. Moustakas (1972) said this about the experience of being lonely:
a unique and special moment of beauty, love, or joy or a particular moment of pain, despair, disillusionment, doubt, rejection. Whether in deep joy or deep sorrow, loneliness is a timeless experience, and at the same time a revolutionary state. (p. 19)
For one to say, “I feel lonely” is to say that one feels isolated, cut off, left out, longing, or missing some sort of contact with another. Where being alone was an experience of active engagement and processing with the Self with the past or future, loneliness is an immediate here-and-now engagement extreme with one's life (Moustakas, 1972). This again comes back to what the quality of the experience is for the person. One can feel alone, yet not necessarily feel lonely.
To be lonely is “to be beside and beyond oneself, to live intensely in the moment by creating a new self” (Moustakas, 1972, p. 20). These are moments of confrontation and active engagement with my Self, the little connection that may be there. These are moments where we are faced with feelings of tension, fear, anger, emptiness, sorrow, pain, or loss. In these moments, some aspect of our life is challenged, shaken up, not yet known, or denied. Loneliness is a state of not having a meaningful connection either to Self or the world. So is this venture into the inner aloneness of the self. We are seeking a new connection where there is none. Moustakas (1972) wrote, “Somewhere within the person the desire to live honestly and actually is always present” (p. 29). The Self, the genuine I, and its movement towards life can never be squashed out; it always makes itself known through our experience of dissatisfaction, hunger for genuine encounter and meeting with another, in acts of aggression, and at times in our dreams. Rogers (1980) reinforces this idea as he talks about the concept of alienation in modern society.
Loneliness Anxiety
Loneliness anxiety is described not as a form of loneliness at all but an unclear form of anxiety resulting from Self-alienation due to society and Self-rejection due to not considering my felt experience. Similar to Rollo May's (2015) conception of anxiety as a state of mind that forms when an individual feels caught between the two poles of existence of what they are and what they ought to be, Moustakas (1961) observed that loneliness anxiety was due to a disconnection “between what one is and what one pretends to be” (p. 24). These similarities still position this type of loneliness within the category of anxiety, with the difference that here there is a sense of seeming as though things are not what they are. This is also in congruence with Buber's (1957) concept of seeming, where the individual puts forth something that they are not—a break in dialogue with what is for the person.
Loneliness anxiety, then, has an external aspect to it, in that it is connected to the way we choose to live in relationship to the demands of life. Do I choose to conform and be blown by the winds of my relationships and society or do I engage in dialogue with my Self and my out life or context? Humans seek order, security, and safety through understanding, competence, and value in life, work, and relationships. In cultivating this security, if we have an awareness or relation that our context doesn’t correspond to our Self, there can be an eventual risk of overwhelming anxiety in the desire to relate authentically to ourselves and others. It’s hard to come into a life that corresponds to our Self when we’re living one that doesn’t. As I’ve experienced in group therapy, it can be an immense risk to truly make our inner experience known. There is immense pain and loneliness in the face of this stark contrast of the inner and the outer that we may experience in making ourselves known. Leaving us with a feeling of loneliness and emptiness of not being able to the inner and the outer.
Moustakas believed, and it is certainly a part of the philosophical tapestry of existentialism, that loneliness anxiety is a common, if not now more than ever, widespread condition in modern society. Moustakas (1961) noted that the modern individual lives an impersonal life without a sense of connection or community, deprived of meaningful and enduring connections, and left living a life of anonymity. This type of loneliness shows itself through someone not having a relationship or sense of genuine connection with the things of their life: the food they eat, clothes they wear, the jobs they take, or even the relationships they undertake. I know someone who once the Coronavirus stay-at-homes got going said “What am I without my yoga studio, my hair salon, or my down-the-street bar!?” These are parts of the persons life, but they’re not their life. The individual chooses in accordance with society and norms rather than from correspondence and relationship to their Self. Moustakas quoted Rollo May's (2009) work from Mans Search for Himself to address this individual's condition of alienation from Self through a society’s structuring and working. May wrote the following on alienation:
Underlying the economic, social and psychological aspects of alienation can be found a profound common denominator, namely, the alienation which is the ultimate consequence of four centuries of the outworking of the separation of man as subject from the objective world. This alienation has expressed itself for several centuries in Western man’s passion to gain power over nature, but now shows itself in an estrangement from nature and a vague, unarticulated, and half-suppressed sense of despair of gaining any real relationship with the natural world, including one’s own body. (as cited in Moustakas, 1961, p. 26)
This disconnection and the individual's difficulty in making meaningful connections between Self, others, and nature are what makes up the conditions of loneliness anxiety in our modern era. Moustakas (1961) stated, “the unhappiness, misery, fakery, pretense, the surface meetings, the failure to find genuine human contact often results in a fear and dread of loneliness“ (p. 26). Moustakas noted that most people have some awareness of this and some go to great lengths, out of this fear, to avoid facing this felt experience of being lonely. This fear and dread will be addressed later, but there is often an accompanying experience of breathlessness, terrifying silence, or groundlessness in those who realize this lack of relationship as they turn inwards towards their experience. The experience is described as similar to a debilitating chronic illness that “stifles any emergence of self or realization of capacity and talent” (Moustakas, 1961 p. 27).
When the Self of a lonely individual begins to break through and reach for meaningful contact in life towards another and is stifled, missed, not understood by the other, it can be an extremely painful and lonely experience. There can be an inward aggression that I did something wrong, a feeling of inferiority, or even worse, an accompanying schema of thinking and feeling unlovable or incompetent. It is a painful, delicate, and potentially self-perpetuating cycle that the individual can get locked in.
Moustakas (1961) made a differentiation between pathology and loneliness, stating “much of the loneliness anxiety in our society is not a psychiatric loneliness which results from rejection or abandonment in childhood” (p. 31). Though these situations certainly do not make the situation of genuinely connecting to Self and other easier, they are not the root. Loneliness anxiety is an assimilated cognition of what is liked, important, valuable, and not what is really me. I have some reservations with Moustakas' statement here and agree that all are prone to be swept up in the influence of our modern time. However, the influence and nurturance of early life figures, as shown through attachment research, has a direct influence on one's sense and relationship towards one's Self. The extent to which we were turned towards, seen, and understood has an effect on how much we’re able to see and be with ourselves, and also others. What Moustakas illustrates is that the dialogue between the Self of the I is immensely complicated and confusing for those who do not have a sense of ground underneath them, an inner relationship to their Self and are so plagued by feelings of anxiousness. The cycle of reaching out, and being missed, and hence reinforcing loneliness and hopelessness as we’ll see later in the research of Brown (2018) is a vicious and self propitiating cycle in the life of the lonely.
Existential Loneliness
Loneliness is a fundamental aspect of being human. Existential loneliness reflects the largely solitary activity that makes up much of our lives. This loneliness is much more ontological in that it comes from a core experience of the nature of existence: it involves our separateness in the universe. Others simply cannot know and experience our reality as we do. The individual can certainly share an experience with others, but the individual's experience is theirs alone. We long for this level of relatedness, yet inevitably we have different experiences, perspectives, life-stories, and values.
Amidst the vastness and unknownness of life itself, loneliness is inevitable. Moustakas (1961) stated that it is not love that is the constant feature to life, but loneliness. There is simply no way to know what is beyond the horizon of life—or what the next day will bring or to know how an encounter with another will go. Moustakas wrote, “Love is the rare and precious flower, but loneliness pervades each new day and each new night” (p. 34). Each individual goes alone on the journey inwards to experience life. We can never be fully known by others, just as we may only understand others in part. We can have moments of being seen by another. This is, in many ways, the cornerstone of all relationships: to be seen by another.
Ultimately, we are, on an existential level, alone. This is the inner turn into the emptiness and vastness of Self that is initially so ungrounding for many individuals. Moustakas (1961) stated, “loneliness is as much organic to human existence as the blood is to the heart" (p. 34). Loneliness is a-part-of the human experience. It is from inhabiting our places of loneliness, leaning into the emptiness and unknownness of loneliness, that we begin to create a connection to ourselves and bring forth new forms of life for ourselves. This is communicated beautifully in May’s (1994) Courage to Create as a form of creative courage. We’re fearful and anxious of these lonely places and experiences within us, and to move and interact with these experiences is an act of courage, even if it is to lean in and bare our own feelings and inner experiences. In all these experiences of loneliness, we must go alone, but we do not have to be as alone, we can have the accompaniment of another.
Carl Rogers on Ellen West - The State of Relationships and Loneliness
Carl Rogers wrote around the same time as Moustakas. The two psychologists had a close association and kinship. Rogers’ (1980) most direct writing on loneliness concerned the case of Ellen West and initially appeared in Rollo May's book Existence (1958). Rogers’ writing on the case of West, including the themes of isolation and loneliness, was a notable moment in his establishment and differentiation of person-centered theory from the mainstream behavioral and psychoanalytic climate.
Rogers viewed the case of Ellen West as a personification of the state of modern man’s isolation and loneliness. Rogers (1980) described two ways in which he saw loneliness show itself most often in others: First is the “estrangement of man from himself, from his experiencing organism” (p. 165). He described this as a divide within the person where there is a personal, meaningful unique experience, yet the consciousness chooses what is familiar or acceptable. The person looks away from their own experience of meaning and towards some other system of meaning. There is an inability, or unwillingness, to sit with one’s experiencing and to take up a conversation with that experience. This is very similar to Moustakas’s view of the inner aspect of loneliness: the individual being estranged from himself.
The second way Rogers (1980) saw loneliness was that modern man lacks any real relationships in which they are able to communicate these real experiences, our real Self, to another. He stated, “when there is no relationship in which we are able to communicate both aspects of our divide itself—our conscious façade and our deepest level of experiencing—then we feel the loneliness of not being in real touch with any other human being” (p. 166). There is an outer divide or a lack of others who are able or willing to engage one another on this personal level of experience.
Rogers (1980) described the experience of self-alienation and being out of touch or in relationship with one's Self, as intrinsic to mental illness. This experience of self-alienation is very different from loneliness. In our self-alienation, the experience of inner loneliness, it focuses on wanting to be more in relationship with Self, which is very different from wanting to create a relationship with others. Self-alienation is the experience of being out of touch, divided or separated from one’s own Self: an experience where one is out of touch with one's feelings and desires. Self-alienation, though it is a form of loneliness, may get confused with loneliness as opposed to being lost (Pollio, Henley, & Thompson, 1997).
Rogers (1980) used the word facade to talk about this way of being or meaning, which the individual has assimilated or put on like a fashionable coat in the eyes of the world or a group of others such as family, friends, or workmates to have a sense of consistency, comfort, likability, and approval in life. All the while, he is unknowingly the individual who has given up what is most unique: their Self. Rogers did not know if this was something unique to this era or if it was a part of the existential fabric of what it means to be a human. Rogers wrote, “modern man (has become far too skilled) at deserting his experience to take on a way of being that will bring love” (p.166). Where there are groups, throughout history, there are bound to be agreed upon rules, perspectives, values, and ideas of right and wrong that stimulate the construction of these facades in the person. Moustakas (1972) spoke similarly of what Rogers called facades as imitation(s) of authenticity that separates us from our Self. Moustakas states that these “imitations of authenticity can never fully blot out the Self, some feeling, perception, or meaning always seeps through” (p. 63).
Pollio, Henley, and Thompson - Variations of Experience
Polio, Henley, and Thompson (1997) conducted a study on the experience of loneliness, exploring with 20 participants the question of “When are you most aware of feeling alone?” (p. 176). These researchers pointed out that the idea of aloneness had been written about theoretically, yet few had described the experience itself. The goal was to identify the essential characteristics and structures of the numerous forms of loneliness. They categorized four types of loneliness from the responses; each type had two sub-themes. Additionally, they found that there were specific emotions associated with each type and that this created connection to other types of loneliness.
The first type of loneliness described by Polio et al. (1997) was the experience of something missing from one's life. This is the experience of something other such as a relationship missing from one's life. One participant who had lost her husband, in looking upon other happy couples states “I do not want to take anything away from happy couples I see. I just wish I had what they had.” (Polio et al., 1997, p. 177). This sense of missing could be for someone who was once in our life, another meaningful individual, or a particular type of relationship. Their sub-themes of this type were (a) yearning and (b) absence. This experience can be described as having once had something and now it is gone; then a yearning for it again, but it not being there. The feelings most associated with this were those of depression and grief. This is such a common experience for those who may have had a relationship end due to death, divorce, or a rupture of some sort. Something is not there that once was, and there is now an emptiness.
The second type of loneliness categorized by Polio et al. (1997) described a barrier of some kind. This barrier could be described as a person longing to relate with another, yet they felt blocked or hindered. This type of loneliness was much more psychological and personal as opposed to something outer. One participant talked about taking photos of a girlfriend, having a good time, yet she did not care to understand why this was so meaningful to him. For this person, there was a closing down and the other person pulling away with disinterest. Those experiencing this type of loneliness felt a separation, a barrier, a belief that they were not fitting in, a cold spaciousness, being isolated, alienated, estranged, or being outside the other(s) or what was happening. This was generally with the presence of others. There was most often a feeling of frustration or anger. The sub-themes were (a) different and (b) indifferent. The difference theme was the experience of there being a barrier to relating or that they are not understood or cannot understand the other. The theme of indifference related to attitudes that expressed a lack of interest, such as no interest in being understood, included, or just ignored. An example of this could be a child in school who wants and tries to make friends, but the child’s initiatives are not taken up or thrown back.
The third type of loneliness was that of vulnerability. Polio et al. (1997) described this as the person being afraid to open up to others out of fear of harm to their well-being, being judged, or an experience of a blow to their self-esteem like it is physical harm. The person focuses on the vulnerability of being themselves. For these individuals, it is often the experience of being alone, as opposed to lonely, with no-one there to support them. Not being able to reach out and also being afraid of the negative consequences of being seen. The focus of this type is on the limitations of the self. Others may be present, but there is a personal experience that prevents reaching out. The accompanying emotion here was that of anxiety. The experience of not being able to bare the vulnerability if they opened up to another. The sub-themes were (a) being unsupported and (b) exposed. In being unsupported, the person desires something either outer or inner and feels a lack of support; they may struggle, yet feel unseen. Within exposed, in addition to not feeling supported, the person may feel afraid or worried about dangers if they open up. The person may feel vulnerable, tender, defenseless, and unprotected. One participant used the words “on-display” or “all eyes were on me” (Polio et al., 1997, p. 180). This subtype was most often felt at parties, work, or gatherings with others.
The last type of loneliness is freedom; this type is unique in comparison to the three other types, as it was not associated with any negative emotions but that of “positive possibilities and consequences of being alone” (Polio et al., 1997, p. 181). The freedom theme was that of wanting to do what is right for oneself without interference from others. It is a realization that one is able to accomplish some things without others. The focus is on the self and being able to do what one can, without the other. It is the experience of the individual being able to be alone, and it is a feeling of connection, serenity, warmth, actualizing something within themselves, reflecting on life, or letting go of or expressing negative feelings. Others are most often not present during this theme. The experience was described more as solitude rather than aloneness due too the quality and nature of the experience of aloneness. The individual often had an accompanying sense of contentment about their life. The sub-themes were that of (a) freedom from and (b) freedom to. The person felt a sense of possibility to be whatever was there with them simply. There was a strong sense of connection to their Self as opposed to the lack or limitation of being with others.
Dahlberg - Characteristics of the Experience
The developer of Reflective Lifeworld Research, Karen Dahlberg (2007), and professors at Vaxjo University in Sweden, had similar goals to Polio et al. (1997). Through a study of 26 individuals, the researchers hoped to find themes related to the experience of loneliness. The researchers interviewed these participants about their lived experience of loneliness. The participants were asked to probe into their experiences and to describe them as concretely and richly as possible. As had Polio et al., Dahlberg noted that scant research had been done that illuminated the experience of loneliness. Dahlberg strove to illuminate the themes of the experience of loneliness. She described and provided participant quotes on five themes.
Dahlberg’s (2007) first theme was loneliness is to be without the other. This type of loneliness is described as something that happens to us, not chosen, or that we are forced into. Participants noted a feeling of being “rejected, excluded, forgotten, abandoned, unwanted or unnecessary… excluded, unwanted, not counted on or not good enough” (Dahlberg, 2007, p. 198). This feeling is even more extreme when those who are meaningful to the other in life, those that we feel a sense of belonging with, are not with us. This contains aspects of longing for companionship, then having to lose it. Alternatively, the desire to share one's inner life with another, when there is no-one there. Dahlberg observed that even if the experience was subtle or intense, there was a notable physiological stress response from the participants. Implying that the feeling is one that needs to be managed, coped with, or turned off, Dahlberg noted that this is a strong common theme throughout the experience of all the participants and that it has the power to move the entire existence of the person. This is described by Dahlberg as an existential deficit (p. 196).
The second theme was that of loneliness with others. This theme was very similar to the experience of isolation. One participant described a very familiar experience of being at a party and not having anyone around to relate and share their Self in a genuine and compassionate way. There is a sense of feeling alone, different, and isolated in a sea of superficiality left longing to connect with others. The vulnerability of feeling like you are different, whether in a physical way or not, and feeling so isolated in a sea of others, dominates this theme. It could be something experienced with a partner where there is no understanding or being misunderstood, and all of a sudden being outside or disconnected from the other.
The third theme is that of a more evaluative judgment of the experience of loneliness: it is wrong, bad, not useful, or unwanted. Though it is not well described, the word shame is used multiple times in this category. A feeling of “I am bad,” or “there is something wrong with me,” a deficit in some ways to be feeling lonely. Participants noted that it would not be so bad, if it was not so, or labeled as such by others.
The fourth theme takes a more positive value shift and agency or choice towards loneliness being restful and creative. The loneliness that one chooses was described as serene, restful, harmonic, it brings a feeling of “inner peace and calm," an experience of “landing," and as a gift towards oneself (Dahlberg, 2007, p. 202). This form of loneliness is talked about as a time of reconnection to oneself, “to choose another context than others companionship can involve choosing oneself, to be with oneself” (p. 202). This is a form of loneliness that is chosen, either choosing to bear the loneliness and connect to self or to a different context such as a pet, nature or with others virtually who are far away. There is a needed strength to be able to shift towards this posturing with loneliness.
The final fifth theme is the companionship that makes up the outer horizon of loneliness: a companionship through which one is not lonely. Dahlberg (1997) pointed out that this is not to be dichotomous, but “conditions the same way as darkness and light, evil and good” (p. 204). One could say that in companionship with another, there needs to be a sense of separation and loneliness in order to have a sense of connection. As described by the participants, the feelings of loneliness quickly dissipate when they are able to make meaningful contact with another, even if it is virtually, and they are far off. The experience of loneliness is eased.
Dahlberg (2007) closed this section out by stating that we are social beings. We have an existential nature of relationship and connection to an others context and being, “one needs to belong with someone or something. However, without such companionship or connectedness, one is really lonely” (p.204). In our loneliness, there is still an opportunity to connect to ourselves, or to another context to ease this inner journey.
Naoko Nakano Brown - Loneliness with Meaningful Others
Brown (2018) conducted a narrative study around the question, “what is the meaning of participants' experience of loneliness while in the company of another person with whom they were in a close relationship?” (p. iii), for her dissertation. Brown identified five themes within the participant's experiences: “(a) Loneliness is a retrospective experience, (b) Relationship: close but not intimate from the beginning, (c) Loneliness is experienced when facing profound hopelessness, (d) Loneliness is a multi-dimensional experience, and (e) Loneliness points to a desired ideal” (p. 55).
The participants in the study were able to identify that they were lonely in the presence of a close other, but upon reflecting on their relational dynamics, they recognized their loneliness as opposed to a “self-conscious re-interpretation” (p. 56). The participants were able to identify their experience of loneliness in these relational moments retrospectively. It was in leaving the situation and then reflecting on their experience that they were able to identify their feelings as loneliness. Daniel, a participant in the study, noted that after his relationship had begun to deteriorate, it was then that he was able to identify how lonely he had felt. It was a new awareness that he had felt that he was not being understood by his partner. There were some experiences that he was not able to have while in the relationship, but it had shifted his awareness once it made the turn for the worst.
The second aspect of loneliness was that the respondents described situations that were within significant relationships. These relationships were described as close in terms of both “proximity and consistency” (Brown, 2018, p. 58). They were with a romantic partner, parent, friend, mentor, or significant others. These were prolonged experiences of loneliness in which a there was a sense that their needs of connection were not being met. Brown (2018) made a profound point that though these were considered important relationships, the need for closeness was not being met: “their narratives suggest that the participants have felt unsatisfied for a long time, those relationships filled the void of a close relationship” (p. 59). These were relationships where they could find some level of meaning through support, some level of closeness, acknowledgment, and comfortable with, but not have the experience of a deeper inner connection that one would expect from such a relationship.
Brown (2018) presented the third experience of loneliness as one accompanied by a profound hopelessness. For a participant in the study, when they began to experience their loneliness, it was also with a realization and experience that there is no chance of repair or closeness. It was clear that these individuals valued closeness in relationships. They valued the relationship, regardless of the availability and willingness of the other for closeness. Their stories reflected a struggle of being misunderstood, feeling disconnected, yet never strongly connected in the first place, and not being heard, and lots of effort and continuous attempts to mend the ruptures. The value of relationships and being in a relationship with others was very strong. Such hopelessness in the face of continued attempts led them to give up their efforts. These experiences were still very alive through self-analysis and reflection at the time of the interviews, as it was evident that the impact was still present.
Loneliness as a multifaceted experience was Brown’s (2018) fourth category. Realizing an experience of loneliness and hopelessness, brought on feelings of “anger, frustration,… hopelessness,…hurt/pain, a sense of aloneness, the brokenness of the relational bond, sadness, .. a sense of being stuck or held back” (Brown, 2018, p. 68-69). These feelings often arose in response to the disconnection that was taking the place of the felt distance of not being understood by the other. Loneliness was also an embodied experience. It was described as visceral or had a bodily component to it. For Sam, another participant, it was an experience of hatred where she felt it move through her body and she was sweating and wanted to yell and move around, but she also felt there was an emptiness accompanying this experience. It brought about a paradoxical experience, a sense of being lonely amidst in the presence of another. Participant Daniel stated, “I felt as alone by myself as I did when I was with her” (Brown, 2018, p.71). These were indicative of the quality of the relationship with whom they felt lonely.
Lastly, all of the participants recognized the relationship as a value, ideal, or something that they desired in examining these experiences of loneliness (Brown, 2018). They desired to be in a relationship with those in which they were “noticed, cared for, and understood by the close other” (Brown, 2018, p. 73). These observations were presented as more than just desires but also as expectations of a close relationship. Loneliness was an indication of a rupture or a deficit in the relationship. As stated in the above points, but reinforced here, there never were the qualities of closeness they desired, but they held out for them in the relationship. Brown (2018) noted “that they held it in their mind as obtainable” (p. 73). They desired to be in a relationship where working through conflict was a characteristic rather than bearing the tension of having no conflict or genuine dialogue at all. There was a desire to be special, important, cared for, reached out to, engaged with, but an ever-present feeling of not being understood or accepted for who they are was very present in the recounting of these moments. The participants’ responses to their desires were linked “to the participants developing and maintaining a desired sense of self in the relationship for them” (p. 75). The other had an influence on them, although the participant had seemingly no impact on the other. It was so important for the participants to be seen as a good student, partner, or child within these relationships. The participants desired to be a part of a meaningful and intimate relationship, be a good person and not detrimental to the relationship. Similar to a therapeutic relationship, but with more inner self ground, the participant's desire to relate and be close was not conditional based on the response and treatment of the other on the participant.
Sketch of Loneliness
This sketch of loneliness from an existential-phenomenological perspective, and as pointed out by each researcher, reveals that to be a person is to be alone, yet constantly living in the possibility and invitation of being known by others as we continually interact with our outer world or context. As portrayed by the referenced material these can be some of the most challenging, confusing experiences for an individual to endure. As referenced by Moustakas (1961) in his opening remarks, loneliness has both inner and outer aspects to it along with numerous ways in which an individual experiences it (see also Brown, 2018; Polio et al., 1997).
Within the research of Moustakas (1961, 1972) and Rogers (1980), the experience of loneliness is related to the individuals’ relationships with their Self: that metaphysical aspect of our person that is most us. This can also be described as the space between our Self and the person in which our experiencing or intuitive capacity resides. As an old seaman used his intuitive capacities on the seas to detect weather and current to direct his journey, so we have space within ourselves where a relationship takes place with our Self through our experiencing of life - but we have isolated ourselves from our experiencing capacities that help us live life. This relationship thats available to us with ourselves is the most important one of all. Alfred Längle expressed that if someone has a relationship with their Self and experiences life freely - they’re never lonely. This is not to say that we cant have a good life - just that it might not be a genuine one that corresponds to our deepest personal existence. Moustakas (1961) and Rogers (1980) pointed out that we are largely disconnected from our Self for numerous reasons such as modernization, technology, and industrial shifts throughout the last century. This estrangement that makes up the space of the multifaceted experiences of loneliness is also described by Polio et al. (1997), each for of loneliness having its own unique characteristics and emotional signature.
This inner relationship or activity of the experience of loneliness as Dahlberg (2007) pointed out has a context in which it emerges. A dialogue between the inner world of the person and their experience as it’s in relationship to their our world - context. This context, is as existential (Heidegger, 1927/2010) and neurobiological (Siegel, 2020) theories strongly suggest, we function with and are meant to live in relationship to others. Or as Buber (2010) put it, life is dialogue. The form, shape, and quality of the experience of loneliness that makes up it’s type is intimately connected to our context and our Self. Dahlberg (2007) and Brown (2018) both illuminated the aspects of the outer experience of loneliness and also the inner experience in relationship to the outer horizon of loneliness. The outer aspects point toward a shared relationship of understanding, feelings of belonging, closeness to an-other, or being a-part-of something or someone in which we can share our inner experiences. As noted by Brown, failed attempts of closeness and mis-understandings in these outer aspects are extremely devastating on an intrapersonal level and are often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness: a feeling or highlighting of the aspects of aloneness.
Conclusion
Within this existential-phenomenological sketch of loneliness, we see a two-fold aspect of the experience of loneliness. One being the person in relationship to their Self and the second being the relationship to their context of place, space, and relationships. Within the center of these is the person and inner relationship to Self as a feeling and experiencing organism in which they are pulled or pushed into being. We can never fully be known and there’s no one we’ll know better than our Self. There is a sadness and also a warmth to knowing that we will never fully be understood but that a warmth in that we can be close to our own intuitive and experiencing capacity that directs us throughout life. As revealed within the literature, there are numerous structures and forms of the experiences of loneliness, all with their own unique message for the individual. As John O’Donohue (1998) put it, “One of the deepest longings of the human soul is the longing to be seen” (p. 25). This sketch highlights and doubly emphasizes a treatment that is heavily focused around a phenomenological and person-centered approach to understanding and interpersonal relating in the treatment of individuals struggling with loneliness.
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My name is Caleb Dodson I’m a private psychotherapist in the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle, WA and I’m most passionate about bringing kindness to and excavating a sense of humanity in the most challenging experiences to bring about a more full life.